Hi Friends,

Recently, my family went through a little bit of a rough patch. My daughter was throwing tantrums and and there was a lot of irritablity in many of our interactions within the household. Everyone was processing emotions in different ways and sometimes those emotions spilled out sideways. This period was difficult for me; I knew that I had nothing to do with the reasons everyone was struggling. I was feeling the negative energy being unfairly directed at me.

If you know anything about me, you know using finesse and good timing when “calling someone out” has never been my strong suite! I found myself with two choices. I could express my hurt and confusion directly in the moment even though the other person was clearly not in a receptive place, or I could harness the power of later (also something I’m not very good at) and actually stand a chance of getting the results I wanted!

Choosing the power of later sounds easy when you write out the choices: you can make the fight worse and walk away feeling more rejected, lonely, and afraid, or you can wait and give your relationship the best chance at connection, understanding, and resolution. But as many of us know, wielding the power of later often takes a herculean effort!

So what do we do? Well, like most difficult things in life, we have to start exercising our waiting muscles. One of these vital muscles is the ability to self-soothe in times of anxiety.

You know the anxiety I’m talking about- That “But if I wait until later, it won’t get resolved. I feel abandoned and things will never get fixed if I don’t fix them now!” feeling. It may sound trivial in this post, but if you think back to a moment (usually during a big fight with someone we are deeply invested with), you’ll know this fear can be all consuming!

How do we address such a deep fear? The first step is (you guessed it): practice mindfulness! When we make a habit of becoming aware of our own fears and emotions, we can take actions to address them within ourselves. The more quickly we become aware of ourselves, the more quickly we move through work that needs to be done! We can’t soothe what we can’t acknowledge. This means that when you make a habit of mindfulness, you’ll be able to self sooth and recognize (and use) the power of later.

To start, we can schedule self-checkins throughout the day. Pick a few times a day (I like breakfast, lunch, and bed time) and take a few minutes to ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you stressed? Where is the tension in your body? How fast is your heart rate? Maybe you feel energetic and happy and your cheeks hurt from smiling. The goal in this check in is simply to notice; not fix, not stew over, just notice.

Once this self-check in feels more natural, we can begin checking in with ourselves during times of conflict with those we love. The next time you’re in a heated argument, or feeling the sting of unfair comments, you can ask yourself what you need and how you’re feeling. This questioning takes you out of a state of reactivity (Did you really say that to me? Let me tell you EXACTLY how that made me feel RIGHT NOW!) and into a state of conscious choice (Is right now the best time to address this? If I decide to confront this person, am I most likely to get the results I want? If I wait, will we both be in a better place to listen? Is this the right time to use the power of later?)

Finally, if this check in results in us choosing to utilize the power of later, than we can take steps to self-soothe our anxieties (such as going for a walk, meditating, breathing) so we can be prepared for when the time comes.

Now, let me be clear: With great power comes great responsibility! Wielding the power of later DOES NOT mean never addressing conflict or just “letting it blow over”. This misuse eventually leads to deep resentments and big eruptions. Wielding the power of later responsibly means that we committ to a time to revist the situation. If you’re mid-fight, you can say “Hey, can we revist this in 2 hours?”. If you’ve decided to not even engage in the fight, you can exit the situation (Boundaries!) and bring up the issue during a more centered time, something like “Hey, remember this morning when you snapped at me over the dishes? It really hurt me and I feel like youre taking your anger out on me. Is now a good time to talk about this?”.

Again, this skill takes practice, and it can look and feel messy at first. But, the more we exercise our waiting muscles, the more we will see how this power brings us more peace, more connection, and more authenticity in our relationships!

As always, using a support network is extremely helpful during these times. We can call our friends, family, or coach to help us self-soothe and use the power of later responsibly. If you ever need a little extra support, don’t hestitate to reach out to me.

May we all relax into the wait and be worthy of such a great super power!

With Serenity (and a cape ),

Leah