Okay, stick with me to the end here, I promise this will get somewhere!
As I am sitting down to write this post, I am watching my daughter out of the window play in the yard. She has her favorite GIANT ball. Like big enough to sit on, and she is working hard at getting this giant ball to the top of her plastic playground tower. Once she has completed this tedious and heavy task of pushing the ball to the top of the tower, she runs to the other side, climbs up the entrance tunnel, and kicks the ball so that it rolls down the slide.
Maria Montessori calls this behavior “maximum effort”. Have you ever wondered why your toddler insists on carrying objects to big or heavy? Why do they insist on doing things that are obviously to difficult for them? According to Montessori, children intuitively know that they need to challenge themselves by engaging in tasks that require maximum effort. By exerting such effort, children are building muscles and neuro-pathways that are essential to development. Think about a chick hatching: the effort required for the chick to break out of the egg develops the muscles needed to hold its head up. The same thing applies here!
Understanding the concept of maximum effort has helped me let go of petty control. I can leave the giant basket on the floor for her to push around, I can tolerate a giant ball in the house, and I don’t have to follow her around saying “no don’t touch that!”. This is all within boundaries of course; I don’t leave out things that could be dangerous or aren’t easily cleaned up. I used to struggle with the thought “should I let her be getting that out? Its loud. Should I let her push that giant basket around? Its in the way”. These thoughts only got worse as I moved in with my in-laws; the items in question no longer belonged to me and I wanted to respect the space of others. However, understanding maximum effort has put a purpose to my daughters actions; its no longer an annoyance but a way I can watch her develop and educate her.
So, what does maximum effort have to do with mindful mothering? Glad you asked.
Understanding the needs of those around us (such as the developmental needs of toddlers i.e maximum effort) allows us to put actions into a context that is meaningful for us and for them. When we do not have context, we as humans struggle to provide empathy and compassion. Personally, I tend to be extra judgmental when I cannot see the “why” behind other peoples choices. Why would someone do that? How could they say something so hurtful? WHY WON’T MY TODDLER JUST STOP CRYING AND LET ME HELP HER?!
Learning about Montessori’s maximum effort, and watching how I consequently became more patient, really put a spot light on my lack of empathy without context. I’d like to tell you that I am a very empathetic person, but I’m not. I judge quickly and often forget that I rarely have the full context and understanding of the person, their needs, and circumstances.
For me, true empathy requires my own version of maximum effort. I have to practice and work to understand the needs of those around me and find the humility that sometimes, I just won’t know. I have to be willing to find a context that doesn’t paint the other person as “selfish” “lazy” “mean” or any other negative thing that makes it easy to blame. I have to work to find context to my daughters melt downs instead of labeling her as a “difficult toddler” or “manipulative”.
As I work to improve this character defect of mine (don’t comment and say Its not a character defect, because it IS. We ALL have them), I can be mindful of my limited understanding of context. As I watch Nora grow and learn more about her needs, I can be more patient with her when she is having an epic tantrum and cannot express her needs to me. In moments of such stress and anguish (for her AND me) I can step back, remind myself that empathy takes maximum effort and there are needs that I am not understanding. I can become more of a coach and investigator instead of a punisher. When I am willing to investigate, listen, and coach, Nora and I have a much better, and quicker, outcome.
So, next time you are feeling frustrated, annoyed, tired, hurt, or confused. Remind yourself that:
1) you are human and these feelings are normal
2) there are needs here, yours and theirs, that are not being understood. Use the opportunity to exert maximum effort and investigate what everyone’s needs are, and you’ll be better equipped to handle conflict and to build positive relationships. Stay mindful my friends!