Hi friends,

It’s been a while since I’ve worked on the Digging Deep Series. It’s been a season of transition and healing as my preschooler returned to school only to bring upon us the wrath of the School-Germs God. Between the four of us, we’ve had several doctor visits, three urgent care visits, three ear infections and countless empty Tylenol bottles!

To be honest, this wasn’t really the way I envisioned the school year to start. I had a plan, damn it! I paid for a gym membership close to my daughter’s school so I could drop the baby off at the gym daycare, get in a quick workout and stay in the lobby to finish homework until lunch pickup time. Alas, between the morning nap that my son will not let go of and our sickness, this plan has yet to be successful.

Between that, the daily cleaning, and being a wife, I’ve found myself not so serene (Confession, that is an understatement). So, here is the fourth building block that I was missing! I relearned during these past few weeks serenity truely requires flexibility!

What does flexibility actually mean? Well, it’s more than being willing to change your schedule (although that is always important). We often wrongly use the idea of flexibility to justify catering to others, people pleasing, or otherwise betraying ourselves. And although we are individuals within an important system of other individuals (marriage, families, communities), we need to learn to balance serving and interacting in those systems with taking care of ourselves. Real flexibility isn’t about losing ourselves, but adjusting expectations.

Let me clarify for you (and maybe for that part of me cringinga a little bit; how dare we adjust our expectations?!): adjusting expectations DOES NOT mean having zero expectations. It doesn’t mean you assume the worst or that you should not ask for your needs. You absolutely deserve to have your needs met, and you should expect certain things from yourself and those around you (I.e. respect, self care, love, etc.)

Adjusting expectations means accepting that life is messy; that some days (maybe months), you and your partner may be disconnected. That sometimes you won’t say the thing you wished you said, or followed through with that one committment. In short, adjusting expectations means accepting imperfection in yourself and others.

Brené Brown is one of my favorite authors when it comes to this concept. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection Brown writes “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Being flexible means letting go of the idea that life is going to be pain-free. As scary as this may sound, it is actually one of the biggest blessings. Pain and hardship pave the road to true peaceful living.

And hardship may look different depending on your situation: Maybe feeling distance from your spouse is hard, maybe it’s struggling with a deadline, or maybe its the disappointmet of not reaching that specific goal by that specific time. Maybe your replaying that conversation and your kicking yourself for not saying the “right thing”. Whatever those hardships may be, allowing for imperfection is the seed that turns hardship into growth. Allowing imperfection can feel uncomfortable for many of us; it is definitely a stretch that we must practice.

This uncomfortable stretch has a very important role when it comes to relationships. Flexibility and imperfection is the stretch that lets us reach others. When we allow ourselves to be authentically us (imperfect) and others to be authentically them (also imperfect), we are more flexible and able to form real attachments. Who doesn’t love a flexible, limber teammate?!

So friends, let’s do a little stretching to help increase our flexibility:

Instead of panicking or moving to anger when your spouse disappoints you, try practicing acceptance of imperfection.

Instead of being resentful or upset that your plan didn’t work, try practicing acceptance of imperfection.

And instead of saying “Why am I not happy already? These negative feelings are not okay!” Try some acceptance of imperfection and allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling in that moment.

This isn’t easy to do. We have to intentionally choose to practice flexibility every day! So be patient with yourself and as always, your support network is key. Reach out to your supporters and don’t hestitate to contact me if you find yourself needing a bit more flexibility.

With Serenity (and a stretching mat)

Leah