Hey there,

Welcome to the third installment of the “Digging Deep” series where I dig deeper into the building blocks of a serene life. If you haven’t already, check out the first two installments!

So far we’ve covered affirmations and mindful practices. Now we turn to yet another key piece, SUPPORT! It may feel cliche, but the truth is, serenity really does need the right village.

Let me be clear, though, that serene, peaceful, fulfilled living is not dependent on the actions of other people. Of course, this isn’t to say that other’s decisions don’t impact us; when we live in authencity, we also live in vulnerability of being hurt. This is what living in the arena looks like! (Thank you Brene Brown).

Even when others hurt us, we can choose to respond instead of react. Some responses may be setting better boundaries, engaging in more self care, having a vulnerable conversation, or otherwise using practiced skills to manage our pain. This is key to building the life and relationships we want. This doesn’t mean we are responsible for the actions that other’s have taken. This simply means we are responsible for the actions we take going forward.

That said, managing our pain and responding in a way that moves us closer to our goals rather than away is HARD. This is most evident when we receive push back after setting a boundary with another person. It never feels good to have someone feel angry with you, and it especially can be difficult to manage if you’re still new to living a boundaried life!

Cue your village! Call the calvary! Circle the wagons (okay, you get the point).

One of our greatest tools in managing pain, particularly when setting boundaries (and don’t misunderstand me, boundary setting can create a lot of pain and a lot of grief) is our support network. Our village.

It is absolutely vital to have someone to call when you are second guessing yourself, wondering if you’ve done the right thing, wondering if the boundary was practical, or otherwise wondering if you’re reacting instead of responding. This outside person provides a perspective that isn’t clouded by emotional triggers and fear, while providing an unique accountability to your part in reaching your goals.

If your feeling like this post is more serious than the others, that’s because IT IS! Having a support network is so key, that you WILL fail in long-term change without one. This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, it just means that we ALL get stuck in our own head and we must make room for a window to look (okay maybe climb) out of.

I can distinctly remember some of the pushback I received from my husband back when we were first learning how to have a healthy relationship. I don’t even remember what the boundary I set was, but I remember an intense anger from him. He was feeling confused, hurt, shamed, and abandoned but was still learning how to manage his own emotions. I remember calling one of my close friends, who reassured me that I had done the right thing and helped me remember that this emotional storm would eventually pass. She helped me get out of the self doubt and catastrophizing, repeatedly telling me that this didn’t mean divorce but in fact was a step toward a healthier relationship. I’ve made, and continue to make, hundreds of these types of calls! (And just so you know, My husband has made the same calls when setting boundaries with me).

So, friends, who can you call when you aren’t sure about your response? Who can you call to check in with reality when you’re sure the world is ending? It really does happen to ALL of us. The difference between those who are peaceful and those who aren’t, is the use of a support network.

I’d wager that most of you can name at least one person who you consider to be in your village. But, friends, do you actually call them when you need them? Or do you pull yourself under the covers or up by your boot straps and convince yourself you can handle this alone?

There can be so many reasons we choose not to utilize our support network. Maybe we watched our parents go at it on their own, maybe we feel afraid or like we are frauds. Maybe we feel as if we can’t reveal our true struggles to those who love us because then we will no longer be lovable. Whatever your reason, I IMPLORE you to start making a habit of calling someone in your support network.

This can be a sponser from a 12 step program, a close friend from work, someone your close to from church, a life coach, or otherwise someone who has earned the right to your story and your trust. Read that again.

As vital as this village is, its equally vital to not set yourself up for betrayal and extra hurt. The purpose of calling upon your support network is to receive support. If someone is in your village and can’t provide support and accountability, then you absolutely need to take them out of your village (by the way, this doesn’t necessarily mean you cut them out of your life completely). And for some of us who are new to this way of life, it may take a few deep wounds to weed through who needs to be in our village and who doesn’t. Again, that’s okay. Pain is part of growth and learning.

As with all of the building blocks, calling upon our village takes practice and consistency. When you first make that call, you’re going to feel uncomfortable. That’s okay! Pain is actually a great sign of growth! You can always start out small and work your way up to the scary (think: I need a cup of sugar to I just screamed and spanked my child and I don’t understand why or what to do). I promise you, the more you call, the easier it gets, and you’ll realize that you need this village like you need air to breathe.

And as always, friends, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I can help you create, identify, and utilize the village in your life so that you can enjoy the life and connection you deserve.

With Serenity (and a little campfire for all of us to gather around)

Leah