What are you painting, friends?

When people think about setting boundaries, they often think about letting others know of behavior that is or is not acceptable and what will happen to the relationship if the boundary is broken.

I like to think of setting boundaries as an art; whether in a romantic or family relationship, a friendship, or at work, setting boundaries takes practice and adjustments to create beautiful connection. If setting boundaries is an art, then setting boundaries about how we treat ourselves is the paint.

When we aren’t mindful of the way we are treating ourselves, we struggle to address the way others are treating us or how we are treating them. Think about it; if you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself, in your own head, then how can you expect yourself to stand up out in the “real world”?

If you’re abusing yourself, you’re going to accept abuse from others. That simple.

What isn’t so simple are the various ways we abuse ourselves.

Maybe it’s overeating to numb emotions (this is one of my vices, for sure).

Maybe its criticizing ourselves when we see our bodies in the mirror or in a picture. It can be when we obsess over a mistake we made, or when we hold such high standards that others (and ourselves) can’t meet and we settle for isolation rather than messy connection. Maybe its hiding behind waiting for things to “settle down” or for ourselves to “feel better” before getting started on something we are passionate about.

Whatever it is, abusing ourselves often looks like neglecting, ignorning, or downplaying our needs. We essentially gaslight ourselves into thinking everything is fine even though all the alarm bells are going off (chronic headaches, anyone?)

Setting boundaries around how we treat ourselves looks like taking the time to address each alarm: what is my headache really about? Do I need to sleep? Did I eat well today? How do I actually feel about myself and what do I need to do about it?

For most of us, this type of thinking doesn’t come by default. Asking ourselves what we need, and then taking steps to meet them, is a constant learning curve. But when we are willing to step into the messiness of ourselves and set boundaries, we will be much better equipped to carry a boundary mindset into other aspects of our lives.

So, friends, lets start today with setting boundaries around how we treat ourselves. And when (not if) these boundaries get crossed, dust yourself off, follow your plan, and try again. I PROMISE with consistent effort and practice, addressing our needs and loving ourselves will become much more automatic. We don’t deserve to be abused by anyone, including US! I invite you to look at the list below, and then turn off your device and go write your own boundaries. Remember, effective boundaries include a follow through statement and a support network. Don’t know what that means? Look at the examples below and then reach out if you need any extra support or ideas. Coaches do make great sounding boards!

Without further ado, here is a quick list of some of my favorite “how I treat myself” boundaries.

1. I will not say negative things about my body when looking in the mirror. If I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I will take a dry erase marker and write something I like about myself on the mirror and send a picture to my friend.
2. I will get some form of physical movement every day for at least 10 minutes. I will check in with my accountability buddy nightly, and if I realize I miss a day, I will give myself grace and check in with my accountability buddy anyway.
3. When I make a silly mistake that I can’t let go of, I will set a timer for 5 minutes. During those 5 minutes, I will stew, obsess, worry, cry, and feel whatever I need to feel. Once the timer goes off, I will write down my mistake on a piece of paper, tear it up, and throw it away, never to be thought about again. If the worry and mistake re-enter my mind, I will write it down again and tear it up again, as many times as necessary and reach out to my support network.
4. I will not binge on junk food while mindlessly watching tv. If I notice I’ve watched more then 1 hour of tv while eating junk food, I will turn it off, and get outside for at least 5 minutes for fresh air. I will then reach out to a friend for connection.

Again, these are just examples. You can create your own list by first thinking about areas you need to address in your own life. Where are you struggling? What habits do you feel icky about? What are you doing (or not doing) that helps you feel good about yourself?

When we first get clear and intentional about how we treat ourselves, we are able to get clear and intentional about how others treat us! If you’re looking for more indepth coaching around boundary work, contact me today or enroll in my online boundary self-study course! Happy painting!