Most people think about boundaries as what one uses to establish how we are treated by others. We think about the importance of saying no, communicating our needs with our partners, friends, coworkers and even bosses. And they aren’t wrong! Boundaries are rules that guide:
- How we treat ourselves
- How we treat others
- How others treat us
Seems pretty simple right? Most people tell me they need support focusing on self care, overall happiness, building confidence, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety, achieving their work goals, and creating an overall sense of wellbeing in their lives. They don’t really need that “boundary” thing.
The truth is, boundaries are the foundation to working on these issues and more!
This isn’t to say that those issues don’t merit direct attention, they do! That is why I offer services like 1 on 1 coaching and my free mindful minute routine; because we need to learn how to love ourselves and empower ourselves, and that skill goes beyond writing down boundaries on a piece of paper. However, healthy boundaries set up a framework that helps us move toward success in all areas of life.
My favorite boundaries (and the ones that people are least familiar with) are the ones that focus on how we treat ourselves. You see, our lack of confidence, our lack of self care, our lack of feeling fulfilled all usually involve two things:
1. The thoughts we think are not kind, compassionate or empowering
2. Our daily routines are not intentional, mindful, and focused on filling our soul.
When we continually get stuck in the rat race and buy into society’s performance, outcome-oriented narrative, we learn to question ourselves, to “should” all over ourselves, to feel bored or empty, and overall have a very negative self-talk full of limiting beliefs:
” You should have said that differently”
“I can’t say or do that thing because… “
“I need to lose weight, I wish my body was different”
‘I wish I didn’t struggle with this thing”
“I wish I wasn’t feeling these emotions”
“Why do I procrastinate this? I’m so stupid”
“What is wrong with me?”
You get the picture. We are saturated in a culture that is solely outcome related and we can’t help but get stuck with these obsessive thoughts. Four years ago, I was the workaholic who was scared of everything burning and crashing;
If I didn’t “fix” my husband…
If I didn’t obsess about this work issue…
if I didn’t complete this project perfectly…
if I said the wrong thing…
If I took a break…
if I…if I… if I…
If I wasn’t enough or to much of something, or spending my time well enough, somehow the world would BURN!
My real freedom was won when I realized that the world functioned totally fine without me but I didn’t function without me !
And I came to this powerful realization through getting sick and tired enough to start practicing boundaried living:
I started to say no and accepted my limitations, and actively practiced surrendering the outcome.
I allowed myself to be wrong and make mistakes, and I actively worked to allow others to do the same.
I used daily affirmations that affirmed my self worth, helped me let go of my unrealistic expectations for myself, and practice self compassion.
I intentionally leaned into my emotions, validating myself as I would a friend or a child, instead of judging myself
I took time to rediscover myself: I hiked, painted, explored what I loved and didn’t love, and learned about my needs. I learned that for me personally, my most important needs in life were stability and teammates.
And YES, these things ARE boundaries! They are what I call internal boundaries. They are rules or guidelines for how I treat myself, because I matter! Many of these actions became lines in the sand that I was not willing to give up; flexible and changing yes, but they were non-negotiable in existence.
Now let me be clear, these things are NOT FUN at first. I struggled. It feels tedious and boring and you get down on yourself for not doing it. They even feel so simple that there is now way they will improve your situation. These things are HARD.
But I promise that when we move from automatic to intentional living, and make our intention to love ourselves, they get easier and they work!
If you’re struggling with feeling empowered, confident, fulfilled, peaceful, energetic, or to engage in consistent self care and self love, then at the heart you’re struggling with internal boundaries. If you’re battling negative self-talk, have a bad case of the “shoulds”, struggling to find joy even in your victories, you’re struggling with internal boundaries. If your holding yourself back from your full potential in any aspect of life, you’re struggling with internal boundaries!
And let me end by saying its okay! looking through life through the lense of boundaries is truly a lifestyle! It is a lifelong journey that I am still on!
As a boundary and self empowerment coach, I can help you unlock your own healing and start living in true authenticity. I can help you rediscover and reconnect with that part of you that you are missing! And Yes, I can help you increase your confidence, self care, happiness, productivity, and so much more. That is why boundaries are so beautiful; they really are the cornerstone of living the life we want! Don’t hesitate to sign up for a FREE 45 minute consultation to get a better understanding of how I can be your best cheerleader!